When there is a lot you want to say

... its sometimes good to just keep shut. :-

About me

"If there is one thing Piyush hates more than effort, it is wasted effort."

What would you like to have?

There is no food I would die for and there is no food I would die of :)

hmm

The Lord of timing it perfectly bad. :)

Life

One man's castles another man's ruins :)

Fade to Black

This is haunting... read it till the end
____________________________
Life it seems, will fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters no one else
I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free

Things are not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this cant be real
Cannot stand this hell I feel
Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me, but now hes gone

No one but me can save myself, but its too late
Now I cant think, think why I should even try

Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death greets me warm, now I will just say good-bye

contemplating

Whats more prevelant in the world, happiness or sorrow?
And is happiness merely lack of sorrow?
Whats worse, not knowing what happiness is or knowing and not being happy?

Madness

80+ Kmph... Eastern express highway... strangers... mad rush... loser

Desperation? Fatigue? Insanity? Failure? Devastated.

:-|

Just to see if anyone bothers checking in...

CLOSED

The last few times I have wanted to write something I realized that I don't want to put down and document what I think. Though there has been a lot to write but I have chosen not to. Looks like its time to say goodbye.

Thank you everyone for reading this place.

adios
Piyush

Happy boy writes...

Being good is useless,
its about whether you are good enough.

And the rains are here

It has rained the entire day today (yes the bombay monsoons have arrived) and I have been wondering about the rainy day phenomena.

As a kid back at school, rains would get me an off from school on pretext of it being a 'rainy day'. Happiness is all I remember feeling on those days :)

The very simple 'rainy day' has dramatically changed since then. With varied experiences and memories in my kitty and IIT not giving in to rains as heavy as the one on 26th July 2005, the happiness has dried out and nostalgia, gloominess, lonliness, a remote sense of adventure, tinges of depression... all have crept in.

Interstingly most of the times one recalls have nothing to do with rainfall or even water! My guess is that water pouring down from the heavens above presents such a bland sight that one digs down into the the memory chest and comes up with moments that are cherished. And the realization of the fact that all these times are now history is what depresses.

Even more interesting was the realization that the right company can make the otherwise lonely and gloomy rainy day a treat. A trek, a nice little heart to heart talk, a phone call, a hug can just do the trick!

Rain or no rain, the knowledge of you being important to someone is all that you need to be really happy in life is what I concluded amidst all the report writing attempts through the day. Superficially looked at its just another manifestation of ego, but who cares, as long as I can figure out the path to happiness :-<

yes, the rains also turn on the philosophical crap mode :P :)

This pic is from a hill top on campus, the rain adventure we recently had :)

No. 2

Good one :)

A man returned from shopping to find his car had been badly dented, and the culprit was no where in sight. As he got closer he felt relieved when he saw a note had been placed under his windshield-wiper. Laughing at himself for doubting the honesty of the average person, he pulled the note loose and read it, it said :"THE PEOPLE WATCHING ME THINK I'M LEAVING MY NAME AND ADDRESS, BUT I'M NOT."

Smile away

Its always so much easier to just smile :)

Evil!

There is something about evil that attracts.

-- appended later

You will always be fond of me. I represent to you all the sins you never had the courage to commit

Someday

I know there will come a day,
when we're older.

And we'll meet again,
at a reunion,
or a wedding.

And you'll smile and say something nice,
like "you look great",
or "I heard about the baby".

And I'll smile, and say something like,
"I hope you burn in hell.
Asshole"

Shamelessly stolen (:P) from I dont know where

compromises

Nobody's Fault But Mine...

CRAP

Magic!

How often does one get to ride a bike on a beach :D

not to forget all that preceded :P

The Third Person

:-)
:-|
:-(

hurts and feels like shit!

Passing out

Why do people carry so much emotional baggage... life is sufficiently complicated anyways!

Then again, am I being too heartless naming it 'baggage'.

"Sitting, Waiting, Wishing"

Now I was sitting waiting wishing
That you believed in superstitions
Then maybe you'd see the signs
But Lord knows that this world is cruel
And I ain't the Lord, no I'm just a fool
Learning loving somebody don't make them love you

Must I always be waiting waiting on you?
Must I always be playing playing your fool?

I sing ya songs I dance a dance
I gave ya friends all a chance
Putting up with them wasn't worth never having you
And maybe you been through this before
But its my first time
So please ignore
The next few lines cause they're directed at you

I cant always be waiting waiting on you
I cant always be playing playing your fool
I keep playing your part
But its not my scene
Wont this plot not twist?
I've had enough mystery.
Keep building me up, then shooting me down
Well im already down
Just wait a minute
Just sitting waiting
Just wait a minute
Just sitting waiting

Well if I was in your position
Id put down all my ammunition
I'd wondered why'd it taken me so long
But Lord knows that I'm not you
And If I was I wouldn't be so cruel
Cause waiting on love ain't so easy to do

Must I always be waiting waiting on you?
Must I always be playing playing your fool?
No I cant always be waiting waiting on you
I cant always be playing playing your fool, foool

JACK JOHNSON, Grammy 2006 nominee

What a Match!!

One-dayer in Johannesburg.

Australia won the toss and elected to bat, made 434 runs.
South Africa WIN making 438 with a wicket and a ball to spare.

872 runs scored in less than 100 overs!

One hell of a match :D

Nothing is Impossible!

One Year

Since I started this blog. This being the 47th entry.

Was asked today if I had quit blogging, well I've not. Just short of ideas for now. Things have been brewing up but never took shape to be put down here. Soon...

Play on!!

http://www.pandora.com/

Came across this awesome site that that suggests new songs based on what your favourites. Explore new music :D

Weekend

Had midsemester exams this week, which were hardly of any importance to any of my freinds. Most of them are happily placed B.Techs. and some others (DDs) didnt have any exams at all!! The only ones to whom the exams mattered were the fourth year DDs like me, shweta, suneet and bansal. It was tough to study whatever bit we did.

The weekend following the exams was the regular weekend. Lots of ghoomna firna and loads of sleeping. Come to think of it, a regular week is also pretty much like the weekend minus the sleep.

And yes dinner at Dadu and Hinger's place on weekends is also becoming a regular feature :D Hinger cooks well, and today we had Dal Dhokli. Just like it is back home :)

Have two assignments to submit tomorrow, immediately after exams got over!! what a pain :(

ES403

Environmental Science midsem today

time taken = 26 minutes
time allocated = 120 minutes

How often do you get to do that!! :D

?

How do you not regret about mistakes that cannot be undone?

The Kiss

She had always made fun of me.

Ever since the time we first met and I was too shy to share the chocolate mummy had bought for the two of us to embark on a friendship. Reason was never a requirement for her to make funny (in her opinion) remarks about me and burst out laughing, I remained silent. She would make fun of me about it and then go ahead and tie my shoelaces.

I was five years old. She was a year older and about three fingers taller than me. She could have easily taken me.

We were neighbours and her mom would let me sit in her lap and lay hands on the steering wheel of the Maruti Gypsy we would ride back from school in. In the evening mummy would take us both to the ice-cream parlour which she says has 'seen us both grow up'.

We had become friends instantly. Inseparable friends. We were together when I finally learnt how to tie my shoelaces, when she and I learnt to ride a bicycle, when she lost her first tooth, when she was bullied by some guy in her class, when her parents split, when she had her first period (the oddest day of my life so far), when I went for a movie in a theatre for the first time, when she was asked out on her first date…

And then her mom decided to stay with her grandparents in a different city.

We were sitting on the shed on my terrace (our favourite place). Hadn't spoken for over an hour. We just sat there looking around, the houses, the play ground where we had wrestled and our old school in the distance. We didn’t look at each other. We didn’t want to cry.

Her mom called for her from the driveway, they were ready to leave. I said we'll be down in a minute.

I looked at her. And then I did something I had never expected to do. I kissed her. Kissed her for the longest possible time. But something was out of place. She wasn't responding. Her lips were still. I pulled her closer, kissed harder. Nothing. I withdrew when I felt her tear on my cheek. She was expressionless. Silent. I wanted her to be make fun of me and laugh. She kept silent.

Her mom called again. I was in a daze. She stood up, I said goodbye. She still didn't say a word and climbed down. I sat there for a while wondering if I had done something wrong and fearing if I had ruined the only friendship that had ever mattered to me?!!...

I was fourteen years old then. It was my first kiss.

--------------------------

I was waiting for her at the airport. We had not kept touch in the last ten years, no communication at all. She had found me through the internet. She was going to be in town for a few hours.

The cricket match on the television in the waiting area could’t help me deal with my anxiety. I was pacing around impaiently. Some random guy shared his opinion about the state of Indian cricket team to which I nodded and smiled while in my head I was wishing that the cricket ball breaks out of the screen and hits him square in the head.

My shirt was tugged at and I turned around. And before I knew it, I was being kissed. It was her, and we were kissing. We stopped when we heard loud applause, India had won the match and people were celebrating. She laughed, just the way she used to. I picked up her luggage and we left the airport, arm in arm.

“That was how I should have kissed you back then” she said as we were getting in my car. “I hope I made up for it”. I could only smile.

We seemed to have picked up right from where we left. Drove around talking about the past and the present. She cribbed about the loads of work she has to do and how her mother has been after her to get married. She works for a law firm, is about to marry some top notch consultant guy and having a baby in the next few years is high in her priority list. I still feel like a kid she can make fun of :)

Dropped her back at the airport, all the apprehension has vanished and I have regained a good friend. Also the memories of my first kiss have become fond :D

*******
Just a story people ;)

random words!

"The truth was she did not want intimacy; she wanted conversation. Intimacy has a way of breeding silence, and silence she abhorred. There must be talk, and it must be general, and it must be about everything. It must not go too deep, and it must not be too clever, for if it went too far in either of these directions somebody was sure to feel out of it, and to sit balancing his tea cup, saying nothing."

~ The London Scene, six essays by Virginia Woolf

Read the extract at Guardian Unlimited.

:)

January 2006

Keep Smiling!

The days gone by

Techest 2k6
clicked about 700 pics
happening days
lack of food and sleep

:)

A Classy Internship

**************

Hello people!! I write this coz its fun and it doesn’t bug me if people don’t read it. But it’s not done if you read and do not leave a comment. We can be friends and who knows you might someday help me get a job, the chances of it being the other way round are bleak though but think of it like this... you'll have done a good deed!! So do leave a comment, just anything, be it about your urge to kick my ass.

**************

The previous summer was a great learning experience for most of my friends who were doing internships at a number of prestigious organizations. Here is an assortment of tips, tricks, tactics and antics to soon gonna be interns who have lied their way through (resumes) to awesome places and are scared of the little or no relevant knowledge they have...

Dear Smartass Intern,

So you impressed your to be guide and saw your way in by lying about how you have dreamt of doing this since you were six and what a great opportunity it'll be for you to further your skills at what gives you almost orgasmic pleasure. You took immense pleasure about how much fun you would be having during the summers while they would be cooling heels back home. But now its showtime and you are getting sleepless nights as to how you would survive the summers with the lack of knowledge that handicaps you. Worry not, here is a crash course on survival techniques for the unintelligent intern which can almost get you the employee of the week award at this organization of yours if followed sufficiently well!!

Day One

Grab a good breakfast, because a) breakfast is the most important meal of the day, b) your office location might rule out the possibility of lunch c) your firm might be a place where frivolous stuff like lunch is smirked upon. A definite sign of such a lunch-frowning company are vending machines dispensing soups and snacks installed near the exits.

As per norms, the first day should be highly non-productive in which they get one of the full time engineers to give you boring hour long demos of operations in the plant/company. Having finished with the tour you would be left with manuals and technical documentation 'to get the feel of things'. Amuse yourself by highlighting words in the 500 page manual so that they link up to form funny sentences. Future interns will love you for it.

At times hold your head and scratch your beard to display intense concentration. When not doing so, hunch over a heavy book to ensure no one notices your eyelids drooping and grab a 20 min quicky (...thats a nap). Once you've had enough of lazing around flip to the index and locate the single hardest and most inscrutable term listed and confidently walk up to the boss/guide and grill him over it. With little luck he won't know what it is and would try to bluff his way around while being deeply impressed about you already hitting the toughest stuff.

Maneuver with the steps above till you are through your 8 hour day and then leave. You might as well spend another day or two juggling around in similar fashion.

Moving on to the more permanent tricks of the trade

College renders you totally unfit for working 8 hours a day. Thus the key lies in maximizing the 'Apparent Working Time' to 'Actual Working Time' ratio. Reach office 2 minutes early. Run in, open a few excel sheets on your computer, get half a mug of coffee and slouch in your seat. When everyone trickles in, they'll think that you came in really early because slouching is an indication of having been in a seat for a while, and half a coffee mug takes at least 15 minutes to achieve. This is the half beverage technique which can be used in several ways to create time-illusions.

The next opportunity to boost the all important ratio is at lunch. Leave after just about everyone has gone for lunch and come back miserably late, and no one will figure a thing because they'll assume you left really late. Befriending industrious colleagues might blow your cover as these guys would start inviting you to join them for quick 20 minute lunches.

The last and trickiest stunt for the day is when you leave. Leaving after everyone leaves is not an option because staying back is exactly what you wanna avoid. Instead, install a spare jacket, a backpack and a half finished bottle of coke at your work station (note another instance of the half beverage technique). About twenty minutes before quitting time, walk slowly towards the restroom and at the opportune moment dash out the exit before anyone spots you. When everyone leaves, they'll see the backpack, jacket and drink and think you are still at work and have just gone out to the loo. Depending on how dumb your coworkers are, this can add up to 40 minutes to your Apparent Working time. Coming in two minutes early the next day works out perfectly so that you can get rid of the evidence before anyone gets to work.

Getting some work done (thats why you are here dude!!)

The last thing you need to know is the Zen Art of producing results without having worked. Making everyone believe that you are working long hours and stumping the guide over obscure questions doesn't mean you can produce results. Unless lady luck is your girlfriend you would be assigned a project and loads mind numbingly boring data would be dumped over you. Few things need to be kept in mind, (i) don't get carried away and attempt a solution (ii) make sure the work isn't done before the deadline, it'll be even better if you can push those to later dates citing stuff like discrepancy in data etc. etc. etc.

Find 'a good man at heart' with some speech impediment or a very heavy accent and ask him a harmless doubt as to how to proceed about the problem. Put on your concentration face while this gentleman answers you and then tell him (with a helpless face) how you are unable to follow what he says. After a few more attempts, act slightly exasperated and turn the screen towards him, once he settles down to explain using an example your battle is half won. Make sure you keep nodding and make encouraging sounds like "aha, perfect!" punctuated with a few very thoughtful but skeptical "hmmm...." If you rise in confidence you can also throw in some generic help statements like "we should do this in a more object oriented way". Exercising the same routine a few times over, would, in all likelihood see you through. Finally, thank him profusely (always remember its to the credit of the 'good men' that companies hires interns) and buy him a coffee and take a break for you have just completed a good lot of work.

One last thing is to always have a pack of gum or mints at hand. Keep offering it to everyone. You would be recognized as a nice guy around, which helps in ways more than one.

Enjoy your internship and try not to work too hard.

Sincerely
Piyush Maheshwari

The author did his internship in Bangkok at Thai Organic Chemicals Pvt. Ltd.

still awake

Read this somewhere...

how often have you waited for the doorbell
how often have you waited for a call
how often you walked among a million faces
all strangers in the mall

how often have you stared at those lights
how often have you sat there waiting for a breeze
how often have you dismissed those laughters
just to pretend your mind's at ease

how often have you put a hand in your pocket
walked back in at night
with dogs barking behind ..
creaks of the door and no one in sight

well its just one more such day
another such night
theres nothing much to say
just wish for sweet dreams and switch off the light

Breaking News

A boy-girl ‘Break Up’ makes for nice gossip and is an interesting affair. More so if it happens to others. Not quite the same if it happens to oneself.

Most boys don’t do a number of things. They don’t dress Barbie dolls in pink, they don’t cook unless mom isn't around, they don’t check out what other women are wearing, and they don’t talk about break ups. You know, it’s a girl thing. Sana tells Nisha about her breakup with Aman, starts sobbing and Nisha comforts Sana by holding her hand and telling her about Aman being a pig, softly. Boys are not to do it. Aman would say “I had a break up. I am fine.” and play some computer game on his system. Boys are supposed to be these heartless flings who are not pained by emotional mangling. They are supposed to be men, who are not supposed to cry, at least not in the company of any living thing.

So I don’t really know how most boys who have been in a break up feel about it. But I can try to talk about what I feel about mine. It is a personal thing, but then its been a while now and I have tried just about everything to make the 'I am fine' part true and 'move on'. All with little success though. Neha used to tell me that writing is powerful form of expression and can help you grow past a lot of experiences, so here I am giving it a shot.

This post in all likelihood is more for me than anyone else. My thoughts are all confused. But that’s why I need to put them down, in the hope of realizing what I feel. I may not make sense. Your Escape route – The little cross on the right top of this page.

‘Break up’, as a term, sounds too neat to be true. It’s not a Kit Kat chocolate bar which you ‘break’ into two pieces. It’s about ‘breaking’ something emotional which is shared between two people. You just don’t snap the chocolate bar into two pieces and feed one part to Johnnie and other part to Ronnie and go around as if the chocolate never existed.

A “break up” never really breaks up completely. I mention her to some very close friends. Some of them look at me like I just mentioned a plan to commit suicide after dinner. They tell me to get over her. I know they mean well and are my well wishers. But I don’t understand this ‘get over’ talk. Am I supposed to forget her, delete her like some unused file from a hard disk? I still remember my classmate’s mom who would drop me home after school in class first. I still remember the loads of watches dad bought me coz none would last more than a month. The same way, I remember her, and would remember her all my life.

I remember her. Sometimes I feel sad. At two in the morning, I am doing something on the comp and some soft, soulful track comes onto the winamp, and all those moments start coming back, and I just can’t concentrate on my work and have to change the track to some loud rock number which talks about guns and street fights and other unromantic issues. I still lie awake at night thinking of those times. But I am not the one to finger my wounds or write anguished poems about lost love.

All of us have some memories, and I have them too. That’s it. I am perfectly fine. I think I am at peace. I am fine with my past. Because it’s not my present.

Every experience changes one. I once called a beefy guy in my class ‘fatso’. The experience taught me that calling big people fatso leads to a week long body ache. So I have learnt some things from my break up. I have changed. And I like to believe, changed for the better.

I think I expect less from people around me. Some people interpret this more disturbingly, and say I have become emotionally closed. But I am not sad or cold and the people who interact with me would know that. I love people. But at a psychological level, I realize that to want anything from the person may lead to pain. You talk to this person, and you are not thinking ahead, because you don’t harbor any expectations from the person, and this helps you be in the moment and lends a lot more naturalness and ease to the interaction.

With time I have also figured out that it’s not like a cell phone balance where you have a limited balance sufficient to make fixed number of calls. Just because I care for Neha doesn’t mean I can’t care for another girl. I will honestly give my all to make happy the girl who spends her life with me. But I am a little scared. I want to love and take care of that person but want to be this strong guy who doesn’t need any love. Maybe I do need it, but I don’t want to believe that I do, because it makes me feel weak, and feel like a helpless kid who needs someone to love him, and makes me vulnerable to more hurt and pain.

For my parents , most of my friends , the people around me , I am the same , but I have changed , and I hope changed in a way where I can treat and love people with minimal expectations from them , in a more natural and peaceful manner .

All experiences change people. Just that some school bully leaves a black eye which shows and some people leave feelings and insights, which are not seen, but felt.

ps: dunno what made me write this, I am guessing it was this

Long time

A great lot has happened since I last posted.

The Desert Odyssey - Having made and ditched plans for Laddakh, Nepal and Dehradoon I managed an excursion to the much undiscovered Thar. Accompanied by two friends, two cousins and equipped with tents, sleeping bags and compasses we embarekd upon our adventure.

The course for our tour was Barmer to Bikaner via Jaisalmer. Roughly about 500Kms on the national highway off which we took regular detours making our way through the sand. With the numerous stops, it took us two nights and three days to cover the entire stretch. The Indian Army patrolling the entire highway kept slowing us down. Another land mark on our journey was some random temple right in the middle of nowhere where we spent an evening. The best though was the chilling night, spent in a tent surrounded by nothing but sand. It was thrilling to find the entire landscape changed when we woke up the following morning.

The feeling of leaving footprints on sand that has never been set foot on by any other mortal cannot be done justice to with mere words.

Spent most of december meeting relatives and cousins who've gor married during the last three years. Also met classmates who've got married :) yes my classmates have been getting married while I have been scraping through courses all the time :-|

All in all a great December, a memorable holiday just as I had wanted it to be.

_____

New Year 2006

Wishing everyone a very happy new year! Have a rocking year everyone :)

The sem has started, lots of people have got jobs, awesome jobs all of them. Am looking forward to numerous treats and being surrounded by majorly lukkha fnal yearites in their last sem. Hoping to do well this sem despite all odds, a desparate requirement.

Blogging would be taking a backseat all this while, have written a short story though which I might be posting in a while.